Sarah's Solace Read online

  Sarah’s Solace

  Wendy Risher

  Copyright © 2011 by Wendy Risher

  All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

  The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

  I dedicate this book to my husband.

  He is my best friend and the love of my life.

  He is the reason I believe.

  Book One

  1. Summer, 1987

  2. Fall, 1988

  3. Crush

  4. Discovery

  5. I Should Have Told Her

  6. The Spirit of Sarah

  7. The Unexpected

  8. Neither Here nor There

  9. Transformation

  10. Proof

  11. Hanging On

  12. The Good, the Bad, and the Longing

  13. Chocolate Chip Cookies

  14. With Me in Spirit

  15. Manic Monday

  16. Scheme

  17. Craving

  18. Intervention

  19. New Friends

  20. Thanksgiving

  21. Surprise

  22. Home Sweet Home

  23. Channeling

  24. A Little Too Late

  25. Limbo

  26. Christmas

  27. Destiny

  Book Two

  28. Onward

  29. Homecoming

  30. Remembrance

  31. Relic

  32. Enchantment

  33. Dylan

  34. Rendezvous

  35. Enjoying the Moments

  36. Visions

  37. Little Things

  38. Melody

  39. Shot in the Dark

  40. Revelation

  41. Back to Life

  42. Full Circle

  43. Up, Up and Away

  44. Spreading the News

  45. Meeting the Parents

  46. Reacquaintance

  47. All Hallows’ Eve

  48. Snatched

  49. Captive

  50. Circle of Enemies

  51. Surrender

  52. Visitor

  BOOK ONE

  ***

  That holy dream- that holy dream,

  While all the world were chiding,

  Hath cheered me as a lovely beam

  A lonely spirit guiding.

  Edgar Allan Poe

  “A Dream” (Verse 3)

  1. Summer, 1987

  I could barely continue to stand. My feet ached from the heels I wasn’t used to wearing, and I could feel them digging into the grass. The air was hot and sticky as the sun beat down on my skin. At least I could hide behind my sunglasses. Aren’t these scenes usually rainy in the movies with everyone holding an umbrella?

  What were they saying now? She’s in a better place? I stopped listening. They only say what they think will make us feel better. By the look on my parents’ faces they should know better. The void inside us can’t be filled with any words or condolences. The thought of more hugs, tears, and appropriate words I’d still have to hear made me want to scream. What were the stages again? Denial? Anger? I was past denial. I knew it was real. I was past the anger. It did no good. I couldn’t remember the rest, but I didn’t care. I only felt numb.

  “Sarah, it’s time to go, honey.” I could feel the presence of my mother’s older sister, my Aunt Samantha, as she gently put her arm around me. I knew I should answer her, but I couldn’t speak. I wondered how I was able to keep breathing, because I felt like I could pass out at any moment.

  She rubbed my shoulder. I felt the tears coming again. I didn’t think I had any left. She tried to pull me toward the line of cars waiting to leave the cemetery, but I wouldn’t move. She didn’t say any more and then slowly walked toward my Uncle John, who was waiting for her a few feet away. He put his arm around her as they walked to their car.

  I then realized I was the only one still standing by the coffin while some guys were impatiently waiting to finish the burial. They were wiping the sweat off of their foreheads. Alexis would have been headed for the lake on a hot day like this. She always hated the cold. I tried to tell them. She thought cemeteries were a waste of land and hated the idea of being buried.

  Alexis always told me the truth and told everyone else what they wanted to hear. She was always the responsible one, the cheery one, the one who pleased our parents to no end. If she could see me right now she would tell me not to keep Mom and Dad waiting.

  Who would keep me in line now, Alexis? Who would remind me to keep my cool when I get pissed off? Who would listen to me without judging?

  I looked back at the line of cars and knew I had to go. I took off my shoes and carried them in one hand as I walked barefoot toward my father who was standing outside the car door with his arms crossed. Normally the look on his face would be impatience, but he too only looked empty. He pulled me to him and held me. I was glad he didn’t say a word. He only kissed the top of my head and then opened the car door for me. Needless to say, my mother was a wreck. She tried to force a smile at me, but couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down her face.

  The ride home was a blur. I wanted to roll down the window and get some air to help dry my tears, but I didn’t want everyone staring at me as they watched us go by. I wished I didn’t have to go to home right away. My Aunt Samantha reminded us all at the funeral that she would have a fully catered lunch for everyone. How could anyone think about food at a time like this?

  Once we arrived at the house, it didn’t take long for me to start trying to plan my escape. I couldn’t eat, and I didn’t want to talk to anyone else, look at anyone else, or hear any more ‘I’m so sorry’ comments with their teary eyes and tissues in their hands. I couldn’t even get near my parents. They were sitting on the sofa, surrounded by so many people that I was surprised they had room to breathe. Our relatives’ kids were running around playing and laughing. Neighbors kept coming by with casserole dishes.

  I couldn’t take it anymore. I headed for the stairs, and then Aunt Shelly, my dad’s sister, caught me.

  “Oh Sarah, I can’t even imagine what you are going through,” she said as she hugged me too hard.

  Shelly rarely called and only made an appearance for special occasions. I guess this counted as one.

  “To lose your big sister at such a young age is horrible. I mean, she was only 16.”

  “Actually she was 17,” I replied.

  She went on, “And such a tragic accident too. There was no way she could have avoided that car crashing into her. That guy was out of control.” Then she smiled and asked, “So, how old are you now?”

  Seriously? Now she expected me to make small talk?

  “I’m 15.”

  “Wow! 15 years old. You look so grown up!”

  Probably because I was wearing a boring black dress, pumps, and pearls. Not my usual attire.

  “Excuse me, Aunt Shelly. I’m not feeling too well at the moment and was about to go upstairs.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry. I hope you feel better, dear.” She hugged me again.

  I couldn’t get to my bedroom and close the door fast enough. I quickly locked it, threw off my heels and jewelry, and changed into my black sweats and t-shirt. I flopped on my bed and put on my headset, blasting my Def Leppard tape as I felt the tears roll down my cheeks again. Music always calmed me. I would always listen to my music or talk with Alexis when I needed to feel better. Now I would never be able to talk to her again
. What was the last thing I said to her? Surely it was something stupid, like asking her to hurry up in the bathroom so I could finish my make-up.

  I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye, and now Alexis wouldn’t get a chance at anything. She had so many plans and dreams. She was always encouraging me to do better in school so I could be prepared for the future. What good did her preparations do? What was the point of everything? Was she in heaven now? Heaven always seemed like a ridiculous concept to me, but if there was such a place, I was sure Alexis would be there.

  2. Fall, 1988

  “Hey, Sarah!” Monica tried to catch up with me as I headed toward my car after school. “Wait up!”

  She was breathless by the time she was standing in front of me. “So are you going to Rick’s party tonight?”

  Monica looked cute as always, with her shoulder length, curly blonde hair. She was curvier than me and was always bouncing around with a smile on her face.

  “Yeah, sure. I was thinking about it. You going?”

  “You bet I am. I heard that Phil is going to be there.”

  Monica had a crush on Philip Watley since the seventh grade. She never gave up.

  “Cool. So I might see you there,” I answered, hoping I sounded cheerful enough. I tried to walk to my car again, but she wouldn’t let up.

  “So what are you going to wear? Because I love that white miniskirt of yours.”

  Monica was always trying to borrow my clothes, because her parents were stricter than mine. Ever since Alexis died, it had been pretty quiet in my house, never the same as before. Things that used to tick off my parents, like how I dressed, didn’t seem too important to them now.

  “Would you like to borrow it?” I asked, knowing she wanted me to offer.

  “Sure! Thanks, Sarah! Can you pick me up before the party, and I’ll change in the car?”

  “OK,” I answered. Great, now I’d have to go for sure. “I’ll pick you up at 8:00.”

  “Cool. See ya!”

  My Camaro was rather hot when I got in. I vowed to myself that one day I would move further north, maybe Washington or even Alaska, any place cold that would not remind me of the summer Alexis died.

  At least my parents were willing to get me a used car after I turned 16 and got my license. I was amazed that they allowed it after Alexis’ accident, but what could they do? They couldn’t prevent me from driving for the rest of my life. I finally convinced them after I took driver’s education. Plus they knew I needed to get out of the house more.

  I leaned my head back for a moment and ran my fingers through my hair, staring at the fabric falling down from the ceiling of my car. I would have to take a staple gun to it again soon, a thought that did make me smile a bit.

  I popped in my Depeche Mode tape, which my mother hated. She said it was too depressing. Oh well, I wasn’t going to listen to bubble gum crap, so she would have to deal with it.

  I was the first one home for the day, since both my parents worked. My father was a successful stockbroker, and my mother, after taking a break to raise my sister and me until we were both in school, returned to nursing. We lived in a two-story home in Willows, California. My parents believed in being comfortable, but not extravagant. Therefore, our house was nice enough to be complemented on, but not so nice that you felt like you were in a museum.

  My parents moved to Willows once my mom became pregnant with Alexis. They had been living in Sacramento and decided that it would be best to move to a smaller town to raise their children. They wanted the outdoors to be a big part of our lives and instill good old-fashioned values into our minds. They had good intentions. However, like all teenagers, my sister and I always wanted to break out to a bigger city one day. Now, more than ever, I couldn’t wait until I got older and could move away from old memories.

  Blondie, our yellow lab, gave me her usual greeting, like I had been gone for a year. I always looked forward to her kisses when I got home. Poor thing. Every time we left the house, she never knew when we’d come back, if ever, since Alexis never came back. I let Blondie outside the back door so she could do her thing, and then I headed upstairs.

  As I passed by Alexis’ room on the way to mine, I paused. I was tempted to open the door again. I put my hand on the knob and then froze. I wished Mom would redecorate the room, pack away her things, and take her clothes to Goodwill. Then I wouldn’t have to be tempted to look inside anymore. But no, we hadn’t touched a thing. Everything was still just as she had left it that morning. I felt the tears coming on, so I walked quickly to my room.

  I threw down my book bag and looked around. I would have to redecorate my room as well soon. It still looked like it belonged to a little girl, with way too much pink and frill. I opened my closet and hoped that my white miniskirt was clean. I didn’t feel like doing laundry. I didn’t give much thought as to what I would wear to the party. I used to love dressing up in bright colors and piling on the make-up, but lately it had been more like jeans, a black concert t-shirt, and a bit of black eyeliner. I didn’t bother with the curling iron and hairspray anymore either. At least my hair had grown out long enough that I could just pull it back in a pony tail. I always envied Alexis’ hair, which was the color of honey. It suited her personality. My hair had always been darker, which suited mine.

  My parents worried about me of course, but only to an extent. They too had just been trying to get through day-by-day, trying to be normal, but we all knew it will never be the same. My mom and I had both lost weight, although neither of us needed to. My dad was drinking more bourbon, but not too much yet. We were doing OK, though, as well as could be expected.

  I turned on MTV and got out my sketchpad. At least I still loved to draw. My grades had been OK, but I found myself sketching in class more than taking notes. Sometimes I drew album designs. Sometimes I tried to create comics, sketch a cute boy in class, or draw Alexis’ face.

  I continued sketching until I started to get sleepy and decided to take a nap before I had to get ready and go pick up Monica. I would need to have energy in order to listen to all her hyper rambling on the way to Rick’s house.

  It was about two hours later when I woke up, showered, and was almost out the door before my dad stopped me.

  “Hey, not so fast, Sarah. Where are you headed off to?” he asked.

  “Some of us are going to hang out at Rick’s house tonight.”

  “Are his parents going to be home?”

  “Yeah. We’re just going to watch movies and stuff,” I answered, trying not to bite my lip and give away the lie.

  He looked at me suspiciously. “OK. Well, you know what time curfew is.”

  “Yes, Dad. I know. I need to get going because I’m picking up Monica.”

  “Sarah, hold on a minute.” My mom walked quickly toward me. “It seems like I never see you these days. Please don’t stay out too late, because I thought we could go shopping tomorrow. You could use some new clothes.” She looked at my outfit with disapproval. I was sure she was thinking it was too drab, too lackadaisical. “Besides, we need to spend some more time together,” she added.

  “OK, Mom. That sounds cool.”

  She gave me a long hug and told me softly that she loved me. When she released the hug, I noticed tears in her eyes.

  “Be careful driving, OK?”

  “I will.”

  “Don’t get into any trouble,” said my dad.

  “I won’t. Can I go now?”

  They said goodbye and let me out the door. Finally. They worried way too much now.

  Monica was irritated when she got in the car.

  “Took you long enough!” she said as she checked her hair and make-up again in the mirror. “Did you bring the skirt?”

  “It’s right here. You can keep it.”

  “Really? Thanks, Sarah! You really need to go shopping.”

  “So I’ve been told.”

  She immediately started changing into the skirt while I drove.

  “So did you find
out if Phil will be there?” I asked. I knew this was her favorite subject.

  She smiled. “That’s what I hear through the grapevine.” She looked at me hesitantly. “What about Craig?”

  I sighed. “Don’t know, don’t care.”

  “I know. It’s just that I hear he’s been after Leslie lately. I didn’t want to bring it up, but I thought I should warn you.”

  “Thanks. I already noticed. Whatever.”

  It happened about a month earlier. Craig had been flirting with me for a while until I agreed to go out with him. He started out sweet and charming. Being with him was the best feeling I had since Alexis died. Kissing him kept my mind off of everything else.

  After a few weeks he invited me to his house to watch movies, knowing his parents would be out most of the evening. It was that night that the kissing went further. I didn’t plan it, and I certainly didn’t expect it to happen that night, but it did. It didn’t take long for Craig to start blowing me off afterward, but it honestly didn’t bother me that much that he did.

  Monica continued, “I hear your first time ain’t all it’s cracked up to be anyway.”

  She obviously wanted me to answer.

  “It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great either.”

  “Yeah, well, look who you were with. What you need is to meet someone really sweet and really gorgeous. Maybe you’ll meet him tonight!”

  I could see the excitement in her eyes. I really did love Monica. She was a good friend.

  When we arrived at Rick’s, the party was already well under way. With Rick’s parents out of town, kids had been hanging out there and partying immediately after school. Rick apparently had talked his older brother into bringing over a couple of kegs and liquor. I could smell the faint aroma of something else too. The stoners must have also gotten word of the party.